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In his book , the comedian tells of a time a woman he had recently seen was slow to respond to texts, leading Ansari to wonder whether he had done something to turn her off or even whether she had died.

That’s what a 24-year-old friend I’ll call Jane found after falling for a guy she met on dating app Coffee Meets Bagel after weeks of messaging.

“As we texted, I was becoming more and more convinced that we were truly compatible. We communicated very effectively, but there was never an in-person spark,” she says.

We liked the same movies, books, television shows, music. “I actually think the reason we dated for as long as we did was that I was hoping he’d become the guy I fell for via text.” The transition from texting to reality can be tricky. It’s game theory, figuring out how best to intrigue the other person,” says Sherry Turkle, whose book advocates for a return to face-to-face communication.

In fact, we were, and he just consistently made me laugh and smile a lot,” she says. “The danger is you extend ‘the game’ into the relationship, and that game becomes normalized.

“When we would hang out he was funny and charismatic and a great conversationalist.

But anytime I made a joke over text he would respond seriously, killing the witty banter vibe and ending the conversation.” Lara Levin, a 27-year-old living in San Francisco, says she met a man on the dating app Hinge and saw him for over two months before deciding their texting habits were incompatible.

Though not everyone agrees on what those guidelines are, people feel strongly that their view is the right one. Though these rules apply to both genders, outdated mores still tend to guide them.

“In texting, the concept of rules is strong, much stronger, I think, than the rules we do or don’t adhere to in actual in-person encounters,” lifestyle writer and friend, Raisa Bruner, says. If it takes him 20 minutes to respond, you wait 40. Loquacious women are pressured to limit their responses.

Long texts can demonstrate care or reek of desperation.

That’s why 58% of singles think texting makes dating more ambiguous, according to a recent study from online dating sites Christian Mingle and JDate.

MORE: Why Bumble Wants to Beat Tinder at Its Own Game And yet the importance of texting grows with each passing Valentine’s Day.